Freedom to Make the Rules

Last night I finished reading Merle's Door by Ted Kerasote, a book recommended by our vet. Unlike Dog Whisperer Cesear Milan's authoritarian approach to dog training, Ted's all about letting his dog be a dog. Merle looks a lot like my Punky, and stories of his independent personality often had me giggling in bed as I read, thinking about how much I love my 10-year old Punky.

Reading in bed at 1.30am this morning, I had about 70 pages left in the book when it became apparent that we were getting into the subject of Merle's death. I knew it was coming. I had been dreading it. I decided to face it head on and get it over with. That meant finishing the book right then and there, which also meant being up all night.

I spent two solid hours bawling. I whaled and sobbed to the point where I had to stop reading--multiple times--because I couldn't see the words on the page through my watery eyes.

It was a great book, but probably my last 'I-love-my-dog-so-much' book. I just can't handle them.

At 5am I was still awake, trying to fall asleep and thinking to myself that I had screwed up my work day. Now I would be tired and fall behind in my work. Leaving for a conference tomorrow, I couldn't afford to take the day off. I started to feel guilty, and then I had a moment of clarity.

I can sleep in. I don't have kids to get up with. I don't have clients or appointments in the morning. I own my own business, and I can adjust my own hours. This one of the reasons I own a business to begin with. Because it allows me the freedom to make my own rules.

Of course, staying up all night to bawl my eyes out over a dog I never knew isn't ideal. But it's nice to have the freedom to make that choice.